Before I Lost My Mind
by CiaraAfuckingA
Summary: Back in the days when Both L and BB lived at Whammy's. A story about their growing romance. Will Their affections make it through or will BB's grief for A's death drive him over the edge. And will the truth behind A's suicide be revealed. LxBB BBxL
1. Chapter 1: How it Started

/In this fic, Beyond is 14 and L is 16. I made up the age gap because i wanted them both at a young age but i wanted them old enough to understand a relationship. Urm yeah. I also use the Characters real names in this also, so try not to get confused. Kay. Thanks!

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''BEYOND! PUT THAT BACK!'' The cook screamed as I snatched a jar of jam out of the kitchen cupboard. ''Get over here mister! You are meant to be here for a punishment NOT to slob around and eat that ghastly jam!'' she continued. ''I still don't see how I deserve this just for biting Mail.'' I mumbled stormily, She tutted at my sulking and continued slicing potatoes. Not bothering to put the jam away, I stomped out of the kitchen and up the stairs towards my room. Of course, I heard the old bag calling me back but I didn't take the slightest notice. Sitting on the top step playing with numerous domino's was none other than little Nate River or Near as I was constantly reminded to call him, but the pretty red letters that danced above his head wore his true name would be the name I would call him. It was the same for more or less everyone. ''Would you be kind enough to move out the way my dear Nate?'' I asked sarcastically, he glared at me but did not speak a word. He moved his legs out the way so I could pass through. ''I would say I don't bite, but I think the bandage on Mail's arm proves that I do'' I laughed. In my mind, that is the wittiest thing I could ever say, and with that I shuffled along to my room.

Through the door, I could hear murmuring low voices; I pressed my ear to the door although no words could be made out. It's my room anyway, it doesn't matter who's in there and I have every right to be there too! Taking a deep breath I turned the knob and entered, only to be frozen on the spot. Before my eyes was A and L. A sat there staring at me, fearfully for a reason that was unapparent to me. L simply kept his eyes on A, to anyone else, it would seem as if he had not noticed my arrival but I noticed the way his muscles tensed and how he slouched more ever so slightly like he did when he was nervous. I desperately wanted to speak but no words escaped my lips, I looked like a trembling idiot. ''Good Afternoon Beyond'' L said barely audible. My name. L said my name. Oh my god. L could clearly see the shock in my eyes and decided to act. ''I best be going. A remember everything I have said. I'm trusting you keep it secret also!'' and with that he left the room. My eyes darkened and I shot a glare at A. Stomping over to him I pushed him up against the wall. ''Why was he here?'' I growled, letting my anger consume me and possess my mind. ''Why was he talking to YOU and NOT ME!?'' A whimpered at my anger and winced in pain. I looked down to see I'd been twisting his arm in a painful manner. I instantly let go realising my actions. ''Oh my god. I'm sorry A!'' I pleaded for an apology. Knowing that he wouldn't accept it, I ran out of my room.

I didn't exactly know where I was going, but I hurt A again, I do that too often. I hate hurting A, he doesn't deserve it, A is the only one that doesn't deserve the pain I inflict on others. Finally getting to the top of the stairs I went to bolt down them when I stupidly tripped over Nate's domino box. I was sent tumbling down the stairs, hitting nearly every step on the way, occasionally dragging my head along the banister, bruising every inch of my nimble body. I let out cries on each step, water pouring out my eyes. I landed in a heap at the bottom unable to move, unable to contain the sobs that now ripped at my throat. I don't know how long I remained there, but no one heard me, no one came to help. Footsteps interrupted my pained howls and I caught a glimpse of two bare feet slowly plodding towards me. I felt my heart skip numerous beats and my breath hitched. ''Are you okay?'' asked the monotone voice that I found so perfect.''I don't know, my ribs hurt.'' I managed to choke out between my sobs. L crouched down to me slowly, he slowly brushed my hair out of my face slowly with his slender fingers. He looked intensely at me. ''It's like looking in a mirror'' he murmured, I guess that statement wasn't meant for my ears, it was more of a thought said aloud. ''I best take you to Watari.'' He said more directly. ''No! I don't want to go to _him_!'' I spat. ''Not too keen on him then?'' he asked rhetorically ''Better tend to you myself.'' L outstretched his arms and wrapped one under my arm and attempted to pull me up. It was a bit of an awkward scramble of our limbs but eventually he managed to get me to my feet. I placed my arm lazily over his hunched shoulders, and he draped both of his around my torso. ''Where are we going?'' I asked. My sobbing stopped and only the occasional silent tear slid down my face. ''My room, you need to be checked over.'' He replied. We're going to L's room?! I could swear my heart skipped several beats when I heard that. The rest of the short walk was in silence, luckily L's room was on the ground floor so there was no need for us to try and clamber up stairs.

We reached a black glossy door with a silver L placed on it. He grabbed a key from his pocket and unlocked the door. The room was nothing as I first anticipated, I always imagined a huge high tech room with computers and bright lights everywhere, but what laid before my eyes was quite the contrary. The room was small, barely enough room for a double bed, chest of draws and a TV. A large window dominated one wall but was hidden by black curtains, which were almost certainly never opened due to the layers of dust that rested on the fabric. The room itself was painted a deep brown, and had a navy carpet. Nothing matched to be quite honest, but it seemed homely and cosy. L slowly removed his arms hesitantly, when he saw I could stand on my own, he ventured closer to his bed, closed both of his two laptops and moved them to his chest of draws. He then came back to me, he once again wrapped his arms around me and led me to the bed. ''Just wait here, I'll be right back.'' He said. He quickly shuffled out of the door leaving me alone on his bed.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and let my shoulders relax. I am in L's room. I allowed the thought to sink in and I started to hyperventilate. I am in L's room! Not only am I in his room, I'm on his bed! He sleeps in this bed. Oh my god. I bet it smells just like him! Instinctually my hands reached out for one of the pillows and I brought it to my face slowly, I inhaled sharply absorbing his scent. It smelt like lavender and sugar. The smell alone caused me to go lightheaded. I placed the pillow back where I found it and placed my hands back in my lap. I waited patiently for L to return. His scent still lingering in my nostrils. Eventually he came back holding a small white box. He timidly stood in front of me expectantly. I looked back questioningly. ''Urm…Beyond, you're going to have to remove your shirt.'' He stated blushing slightly and looking down. My eyes widened. L just asked me to remove my shirt. He can't have! Not even A has seen me shirtless! I hate my torso so much! My skin clings to my ribs and collar bones and I can't forget about the many self-inflicted wounds I have covering my stomach and chest. There's everything there, from cuts to burns. If he sees them he'll deem me as such a freak. I placed my hands at the hem of my shirt hesitantly. I swallowed the lump in my throat and was just about to pull my shirt off when L said something that broke my concentration. ''Beyond. Your hands are shaking. What's wrong?'' I looked back at him and our eyes met. ''I don't want you to think I'm a freak.'' My voice shook, and a confused expression swept across L's face. Before he could question me I removed my shirt.

His eyes trailed down my torso and his eyes softened slightly. ''oh Beyond. You fool.'' He whispered. Fool? He called me a fool?! That's it. L think's I'm a fool. I don't even know why I thought he would think of me as anything else anyway. More tears welled at my eyes and threatened to overflow. L sat next to me on the bed in his odd fashion, and faced me. ''You shouldn't hurt yourself in such ways Beyond, it isn't wise. You're much better than that!'' at that my tears did flow. Once again, L reached out to my face but this time he wiped away my tears. ''Lie down, we need to see if you're injured from your fall.'' He said with a slight smile, to anyone else, that smile would've been creepy, but I found comfort in it. I liked the way L actually showed his emotion to me, and me alone. I leaned back until my bare back met the duvet. L placed his hands on my stomach where many of the cuts and burns were. ''some of your previous injuries reopened In the fall. I better fix them up.'' He reached over to the black box he'd previously brought in. He swiftly grabbed a lump of cotton wool and some disinfectant. He bathed the cotton wool in the medical liquid and brought it to my open cuts. The liquid stung and caused the pain to rocket higher than it already was. I bit my lip to stop me from crying out in pain. L cleaned the wounds slowly but surely. Once he was convinced they were clean he grabbed a long bandage and started to wrap it around me. He then moved on to caress the rest of my torso. ''Tell me if I hit a spot where it hurts.'' He ordered, after I had agreed with a sharp nod he continued to massage my body. It was surprisingly enjoyable until his hand pressed on one of my ribs. I let a cry escape my lips, ''I guess you cracked a rib.'' He informed. He retracted his hands and asked me to sit up. I followed his orders without question. He moved his hands to the back of my head and started to move my hair, looking throughout my scalp. ''Looks like you have another big bruise on your head. That could lead to concussion.'' He muttered. ''is that all?'' I asked. ''Luckily yes'' he replied. With that he got up off the bed and headed for the door. ''I'm going to go get you some painkillers, just stay there.'' He ordered and once again left me alone. I sighed and looked around. There was nothing of interest in his room. Plain and boring, just like L. I grabbed my shirt and put it back on. I laid back down on the bed, my head on L's pillow this time. I could smell him again and it gave me such pleasure, I closed my eyes and let a smile slip onto my face. After a couple of minutes I drifted into a peaceful sleep in L Lawliet's bed.


	2. Chapter 2: Almost the Same

/I know L is a little OOC in this but this is before he became the huge detective he's known as today. He's a teenager who was still learning how to mask his emotions.

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I was awoken by a slight kick on my neck. The odd sensation caused me to bolt up into a sitting position. Poking out of the duvet where I was previously lying was a foot I would recognise anywhere, L. At the opposite end of the bed L was sprawled out snoring softly. His hair was messier than usual and it covered his face like a veil, he was still in his clothes from yesterday. He looked so peaceful while he slept, like he had nothing to do, nothing placed on his shoulders, nothing expected of him. Just thinking that reminded me that L is just like us. He too has high expectations to achieve. He was just a kid like me, Mail, Miheal, Nate, Andrew. That thought caused a smile to grace my face and I just sat there pondering on that thought.

Shortly after I awoke, L did too. He rose much more gracefully than I did, he rubbed his sleep heavy eyes and stared at me. ''Did you sleep well?'' he asked cautiously. I nodded, trying to keep the silence remaining. He rose from the bed, ''Do you want to borrow some clothes, I think we're the same size, I mean, you can go get your own if you really want to but...'' I cut him off ''that would be great, thank you L.'' he raised his thumb to his mouth and began to nibble on the skin. He slowly walked to his chest of draws, and took two shirts and two pairs of trousers. He passed me one of the outfits, and placed his own on top of the dresser. He looked at me awkwardly before hesitantly removing his shirt. Seeing his half naked body I gasped, it was perfect. The porcelain skin looked soft and just begged to be touched and caressed. As quickly as the nudity came, he put on his clean shirt. He then started to unbutton his jeans but then looked up and met my eyes. That's when I realized I was staring. I cleared my throat and turned around, beginning to remove my trousers also. Once the clean ones were on, I moved onto replacing my black shirt with L's white one. Once I was all dressed I folded my old clothes and left them on my bed.

I opened my mouth to say something when I was interrupted by a knock at the door. L hurried over to it, outside stood Watari with a worried yet annoyed expression. ''Sorry to disturb you L, but one of the others have gone missing.'' He informed, his worried voice matched his expression. ''Who Watari?'' L asked monotonously, I could tell he already knew the answer; even I knew what Watari was going to say next. ''Beyond Birthday. He caused A injury last night, and fled. We have no idea where he is. He has potential to be dangerous. If you see him L, avoid him.'' I clenched my fists. They want L to avoid me because I might be a _threat!?_ How pathetic. Anger consumed me. ''No need to worry Watari, I have already found him, he's in here.'' L moved slightly, giving Watari a view of me. I waved mockingly. ''He's no trouble Watari. In fact, he's been quite pleasant company!'' Watari's jaw slack slightly, he was obviously in shock. ''I'll just go then..'' Watari replied, trailing off. ''Oh and could you tell Cook to not bother with Making me breakfast today? I'll eat with the others.'' L added, this of course shocking Watari more. He nodded and turned on his heel, walking towards the kitchen. L closed the door and turned towards me, he had a slight smirk on his face. ''Did you see his face?'' he chuckled. His smile and laughter boosted my good mood tremendously. ''Yeah I did!'' I giggled. ''Come on then. Let's go to breakfast!'' he said, grabbing my wrist and pulling me out of the room. He didn't even bother locking it.

Our pace slowed down and we walked through the halls. His hand slipped from my wrist into mine and our fingers entwined. My breathing hitched at this action and I attempted to hide my blush from L. To my surprise L abruptly stopped causing me to crash into him. He was stood staring in a mirror. I looked up in the mirror and gasped as I saw what he saw. The two of us stood at the same height and looked exactly the same. Were a stranger to see them, we would've been mistaken for twins. Even the Whammy kids could mistake us because of our identical clothing. The only difference between the two was, L had his mysterious black orbs as eyes whereas I had intimidating red ones. Our postures were also different. He was hunched and I stood straight. I don't know how long we stood there for but our thoughts were interrupted by none other than little Nate Rivers. We both turned, our hands breaking apart, a blush flooded my face but L put his emotionless mask on. ''L! What're you doing?'' he asked suspiciously. That stupid child was too clever for his own good; he knew there was something going on. ''We were just on our way to Breakfast.'' He replied sounding bored. ''You're eating breakfast with us?'' Nate asked shocked. ''Yes I am Near, so how about you go save a seat for me and Beyond?'' Nate nodded and ran off to the dining room. ''What is It with everyone nodding and doing your every command?'' I joked nudging him in the ribs with my elbow. He just shook his head chuckled and started to walk, following Nate's tracks.

I ran to catch up with him and placed my hand in his again. He looked down at it and smiled, a slight blush grazing his cheeks. That look alone caused my heart to do flips. He truly was beautiful. We eventually reached the dining room, I pulled my hand away from his and we both entered. The kids all stared at us, some gasping and some whispering to their friends. Neither of us paid any attention to them and we looked out for Nate. He was sat on a table with Mail. We walked over and L took a seat next to Near, leaving the seat next to Mail for me. He kept his eyes to his Gameboy as I sat, not looking up, not even indicating he knew I was there. Both Nate and Mail already had their food and Nate was nearly done devouring his, whereas Mail's was untouched. ''L, do you want to come up with me?'' I asked gesturing to the food bar running against one of the walls. He replied with a conserved yes and followed me. I grabbed a bowl, filled it with porridge, and grabbed one of the jars of jam. They were left as a topping for toast, but the other kids knew that I would rage if anyone else ate even the tiniest bit of my jam and it was left untouched for me. L had also chosen a bowl of Porridge and was busy piling insane amounts of sugar into it. That action caused me to giggle. He looked up to me looking confused. I just shrugged and we both started to walk back to our table when I noticed someone was sitting in my seat. When we reached the table, L slid into his seat and looked down at the table not looking at the blonde next to him.

''Miheal. Get out of my seat. Now.'' I growled. He looked back towards me. ''That's not my name. It's Mello and no. I want to sit with Matt. You never sit with us anyway; you're always off sitting on your own. Go back to your corner and eat your jam or something.'' He retaliated. ''You just want to sit here and suck up to L. You're probably already freaking him out. I mean look at you. You're wearing the same clothes as him. Go take your little weirdo crush elsewhere.'' Anger boiled up in me. I wanted to hurt Miheal in so many ways right now it was insane. ''if you move now I won't hurt you.'' I whispered not trusting my voice to break off into a shout. Miheal just simply laughed in my face. My anger met its limit and I grabbed one of the forks off the table. With all my might I shoved it into the skin of Miheal's hand. I pushed it in as far as I could until the bone stopped me. Miheal screamed in agony, thrashing against me, trying to pull the fork out, but my grip was too strong. Nate went into a shock like state at the sight of all the blood pouring out, Mail was trying to push me away also. L just sat there also in shock, just staring at me. It wasn't long till Watari, Whammy and the other adults all came and restrained me on the floor. I shouted. I cursed. I thrashed. I tried to bite them. I looked like a right mess. Miheal was escorted away, still yelling from the pain he was in. I looked up to see L still sitting there. Staring to where I previously was. That's when I realised all the children from Whammy's house were sat staring at me. Fearing me.


	3. Chapter 3: Protect me

Roger leant his arm across my chest forcefully, attempting to keep me still but in doing so, he pressed down on my cracked rib. A yell of pain escaped my lips and it echoed throughout the room. Roger didn't remove the pressure, if anything, he pressed down harder. He obviously associated my yells with my retaliation. No one saw that I was in unbearable pain; everyone just looked at me with fear. I was quite literally screaming in their faces for help but they chose to ignore my cries. I only had one chance left, I leant my head back to look at L and he was still sat there in shock. ''L please. Help me.'' I choked out. It was like something snapped inside his head. He looked back to me, analysed the situation and stood. ''Roger, please remove your arms from Beyond.'' He ordered. Magically it seemed to have worked; everyone and I mean everyone, followed L's orders. L then continued to crouch down next to me. He looked at me apologetically and then began to lift my shirt back up, revealing the blood stained bandages and the bruises dotted around everywhere. At this action, I heard everyone gasp. Whether it was because of L's bold action or because of my injuries, I guess I'll never know. L looked most displeased and like he did the previous day, he helped me up. He then continued to help me to my own bedroom this time.

Climbing the stairs wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but it was still painful. The adults had followed us all the way and weren't hinting of going away. They wanted an explanation, and they wanted to give out a punishment. When we reached my room L opened my door and took me to my bed. We passed by a very confused A on the way. L pulled out the covers and allowed me to lie down before placing them on my body. ''You know, rest is the quickest way to heal.'' He said smiling slightly. His back was to the others so this smile was concealed and meant only for me. I had butterflies in my stomach fluttering around rapidly; I couldn't help but to return the smile. He leant forward to my ear and whispered ''I hope you know, you're in tons of trouble, whether I get involved or not. What you did today was wrong.'' He pulled away to see my reaction. ''I know'' I answered. He ruffled my hair and removed himself from my bed, walking towards Roger and Watari. ''He's in no condition to be riffled in questions and punished right now. I'm not saying you shouldn't punish him but just wait a while, till he's better.'' And with that he left my room, leaving several of the adults gobsmacked. Especially Watari. After several moments of a glare contest between me and Roger, they all left, defeated. Probably going to the staff room to talk about me and wonder how to deal with my 'issues' as they liked to call it.

''What the hell is going on?!'' A exclaimed. ''Were you not at breakfast?'' I asked. ''obviously not! Why? What happened at breakfast? You caused a scene again didn't you?! And what was L doing? Let me guess. You threw a hissy because he was talking to ME last night and NOT you. You freaked him out; you always freak people out don't you. It's because you're some kind of weirdo!'' he ranted. Once again that morning, my anger got the better of me. I bolted out of my bed and ran at him. Tackling him to the ground, I grabbed his short brown hair and started thrashing his head against the floor. His glasses flung off and smashed on the wall. ''don't ever say that again or I will _end _you.'' I threatened, voice full of hatred. I leant down to bite him on the shoulder, I didn't remove my teeth, even when he screamed. My jaws only clenched tighter, a dark chuckle escaped my lips. The taste of blood has always been beautiful to me. I loved it more than strawberry jam. A summoned all of his might and managed to push me completely off of him. He quickly stood and cowered against the bedroom wall.

Realisation of my actions suddenly hit me. I just attacked A. My breathing hastened. I started to freak out about what I'd done. Once again I made it quickly for the door. As I made my departure I heard a soft ''I hate you'' come from behind me. My heart sunk. A was my only friend in this god forsaken place and now he hates me? I don't blame him to be quite honest. I hate me too. Everyone hates me, I knew A would start hating me soon enough and here we are. I started to jog down the stair carefully, this time trying not to fall again. Many of the children went in the opposite direction when they saw me approach them. So everyone was still scared of me huh? They're probably surprised Roger's allowing me to walk around freely. I don't care though, there's only one person's opinion I actually care for and that's L's. I jogged all the way to his room and rapidly knocked on his door. He opened it and his eyes widened when he saw me. ''Me and A got in a fight. I'm scared. He hates me, I can't be around him. Can I stay in here with you? If you're working I promise you won't even know I'm here!'' I begged. ''Come in'' L replied. ''really? Oh my god. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Thank you so much L!'' I stepped into his room to see his laptops open and paper sprawled everywhere. I stooped awkwardly by the door, not wanting to disturb his working area. L sat back down in front of both his laptops and went back to working on his case.

After about 10 minutes of silence, he sighed. ''Beyond, can you help me?'' I nodded and walked over to the bed. ''what do you want me to do?'' I asked. He handed me a pile of papers. ''These letters have a coded message in them. Can you encrypt it?'' he asked. A grin swept across my face. I was brilliant at codes; it was one of my specialities. I took the letters and sat on the bed behind L. I started to work on the letters. Half an hour later I was done with all 5 of them. ''I'm done L!'' I chimed. He turned, looking curious, I then went on to explain the codes, what they meant and how I worked them out. He seemed very impressed. He smiled a broad smile ''Beyond! You're Brilliant!'' he exclaimed. I laughed in reply; L pounced and hugged me in appreciation. I hissed in pain and he immediately removed himself when he realised what he'd done. ''I'm Sorry.'' He mumbled. ''It's alright'' I said with a smile. ''You act so strange around me. I mean, you never smile to anyone else'' I continued. The happiness drained from L's face and he looked down. He took his thumb to his mouth and started to nibble. ''You make me feel different Beyond. I don't know what it is but you do. Being around you, I feel the need to protect you, to keep you close. I get butterflies when you say my name. It's all very odd. I've never really felt like this before.'' He confessed. My heart beat stopped. L had feelings for me. Oh my god. L likes me. My brain went frantic as did my heart beat. ''Well, there's one way to see what that feeling is.'' I replied. L looked up confused; I don't think he was expecting the reaction he got. I smiled faintly and edged my face closer to his. I was close enough to him to be able to taste his sweet breath and our lips brushed against each other's. We stayed like that for several moments, both of us unsure what to do next, eventually L closed the gap between us. Our lips mashed together, a first kiss for the both of us but despite our lack of practice, it was perfect. Fireworks went off in my head repeatedly. I was the first to pull away, I wanted to confess all my feelings right there and then to L but the look on his face stopped me in my tracks. He had a wide smile, flushed cheeks and he was looking into my eyes. A look that took my breath away. For the second time that day I realised how truly beautiful he was.


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